These were the words that fell out of mouth a month after my Neuro Stimulator implant.How could you miss pain, something that made me suffer for years and turn you into a totally different person. I didn't know that the pain changed me but it did. I was quite and reserved with my words but more importantly I didn't talk about my emotional feelings, only my physical feelings, but what normal teenager does. After being implanted I was happy, happy the pain was gone, that I could live a normal "healthy" life. But then I was sad because I want to be that person I was five years ago.
I didn't know that I could be the type of person who could suffer from depression. I always held a smile on my face. I was happy. Happy to be alive, to get to travel and see the world, and to meet extraordinary people like the president (41 Bush). I got to be in Girl Scout and help change the world with my love of giving and help others. I thought that no one with this love in her heart to help change the world and bring smiles to people's face could ever suffer from depression.
At first I was embarrassed that someone my age (18) and with the thing I have in life could suffer from depression. But then I took a moment and I thought for five year you stuffed all the pain (emotional and physical) down and out of the way so that was not what people see that in you. Then I thought that it is understandable you have been in pain for five years. You are not use to living a painfree life. Your normal has changed over night. The thing I remember most when I told someone (medical personal) I missed my headaches was "that the craziest thing I ever heard." In that moment I thought how could this be so weird and nothing she has hear before. I felt alone and that everybody wanted me to be back to the girl I was five years ago. And the fact was I was not that person, the pain I felt daily changed me and I didn't know how to express that. As I came to terms with suffering from depression and realizing I probably have had it for more then five years. I then thought of what I need to do to get better.
I would need start doing therapy. I not sure how but I was place with a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. I didn't know it at the time but this therapy works with changing the way you think. Because the way you think is connected to the way you feel. That was probably the best choice I ever had to make was to open up to someone who I've never met before and who has no clue what my life is like outside the four wall of this office. I wasn't easy but it had to done. I have made great improvement with my depression. I don't feel depressed anymore but know that it a possibility for it come back. With what I have gone thought and now the stress of work and going to school I know that I could me easy for me to fall back in to that state. It a consent work in progress.
I am not say therapy is for everyone and that will fix your depression. I have tried the medication but found it only as a temporary fix to my problem. The important thing is to be sure to ask for help before it too late. You are also not the only one who is struggling with depression. But also it a understandable illness with that amount of stress people are put under today.
I am well and still go to therapy to help keep myself in check. I am only a year and a held out from surgery. And the passed year medical wise has been a roller coaster ride. I have said it before and will say it again I wouldn't trade it for the world. All this pain has made me who I am and at the end of the day that all that matter.
Live Life to the FULLEST!