I miss my headaches....

These were the words that fell out of mouth a month after my Neuro Stimulator  implant.

How could you miss pain, something that made me suffer for years and turn you into a totally different person. I didn't know that the pain changed me but it did. I was quite and reserved with my words but more importantly I didn't talk about my emotional feelings, only my physical feelings, but what normal teenager does. After being implanted I was happy, happy the pain was gone, that I could live a normal "healthy" life. But then I was sad because I want to be that person I was five years ago.

I didn't know that I could be the type of person who could suffer from depression. I always held a smile on my face. I was happy. Happy to be alive, to get to travel and see the world, and to meet extraordinary people like the president (41 Bush). I got to be in Girl Scout and help change the world with my love of giving and help others. I thought that no one with this love in her heart to help change the world and bring smiles to people's face could ever suffer from depression.

At first I was embarrassed that someone my age (18) and with the thing I have in life could suffer from depression. But then I took a moment and I thought for five year you stuffed all the pain (emotional and physical) down and out of the way so that was not what people see that in you. Then I thought that it is understandable you have been in pain for five years. You are not use to living a painfree life. Your normal has changed over night. The thing I remember most when I told someone (medical personal) I missed my headaches was "that the craziest thing I ever heard." In that moment I thought how could this be so weird and nothing she has hear before. I felt alone and that everybody wanted me to be back to the girl I was five years ago. And the fact was I was not that person, the pain I felt daily changed me and I didn't know how to express that. As I came to terms with suffering from depression and realizing I probably have had it for more then five years. I then thought of what I need to do to get better.

I would need start doing therapy. I not sure how but I was place with a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. I didn't know it at the time but this therapy works with changing the way you think. Because the way you think is connected to the way you feel. That was probably the best choice I ever had to make was to open up to someone who I've never met before and who has no clue what my life is like outside the four wall of this office. I wasn't easy but it had to done. I have made great improvement with my depression. I don't feel depressed anymore but know that it a possibility for it come back. With what I have gone thought and now the stress of work and going to school I know that I could me easy for me to fall back in to that state. It a consent work in progress.

I am not say therapy is for everyone and that will fix your depression. I have tried the medication but found it only as a temporary fix to my problem. The important thing is to be sure to ask for help before it too late. You are also not the only one who is struggling with depression. But also it a understandable illness with that amount of stress people are put under today.

I am well and still go to therapy to help keep myself in check. I am only a year and a held out from surgery. And the passed year medical wise has been a roller coaster ride. I have said it before and will say it again I wouldn't trade it for the world. All this pain has made me who I am and at the end of the day that all that matter.

Live Life to the FULLEST!

It the Little Thing I Life!

Something you may not know about my is I am hearing impaired. I have been for all of my life. I do not know the way it like to hear at a "normal" level. If I can see you lips moving I can understand pretty much everything your saying.

Brought tears to my eyes! Being hearing impaired myself, I thank God for not taking all of my hearing away but just enough to remind me that it the little thing it life that matter the most!

A Creed To Live By

• Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.
• Don't set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you. 
• Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them life is meaningless. 
• Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.
• Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
• Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. It is this fragile thread that binds us to each other. 
• Don't be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave. 
• Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give love. The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings. 
• Don't dismiss your dreams. To be without dreams is to be without hope; to be without hope is to be without purpose. 
• Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've been, but also where you're going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way. 

 ~ Nancye Sims ~

Live Life to the FULLEST!

Struggles that Made Me Who I am

Many of y'all who know me know that I have suffered from chronic migraines. I have had them since I was 13 years old and now that I am 20 years old. I have been pain free to a year and six months. Migraines has not been my only medical (or life for that matter) struggle. 

In a previous post I talked about have Pseudotumor Cerebri  I have had that now a total of four times now and three times the resolved with a spinal tap. My last spinal tap was traumatic and required me to go to the ER two days later because my parent could not get me to wake up and be fully responsive. There I was told I was very dehydrated because I lost too much spinal fluid.

The very thing that has allow me to be pain free would cause a struggle due to a infection. I got a infection in a incision in my back. I had no way of checking it because I went to work at summer camp three month after being implanted. I was given the all clear but I am not sure where the infection came from but with the lack of feeling and have no one to check it for me. I developed an infection that I would later find out that that I had it for a month or two before receiving treatment. The first step was oral antibiotics and having the doctor go in and clean the infection out. After a month I was not responding and we put on IV antibiotics and had to have a PICC line. The PICC line is place under fluroscopy (real-time x-ray) and it goes from a point on your upper arm (in a vein) then goes closes to your heart. By doing this this allows the medicine to be distributed equally throughout the body.  After that was implanted I did a month and a half of two times a day IV antibiotics. This was hard for my and my family because even with the medicine I was getting sicker and sicker. I was left with but to have my stimulator remove. Even after it was removed I would have to do IV treatment and use Medihony on my incision to help them heal and prevent another infection. I waited three months and the was implant again with the stim and all was good. Then about month later I was showing sign of infection and had to do the whole PICC line and IV antibiotics over again but thankfully for only a month and I was good. With the stim I also had to have revision to fixes wires and to move the battery. With the stim alone I have had eight surgeries. And would go through it all again if I had too.

This is a bad picture of me but it show where my PICC line is
 inserted into the arm. Still smiling through the ups and downs in my life.

This the tube of Medihoney. I really like it cause it help protect slow
 healing wound like surgical ones from getting infected. I have mainly
 use it in infected wound and it great and helps it heal.

Before I found the stim for my headache I did Botox and nerve blocks of all kind. Along with just about every drug on the market that the doctor believe could help me. Some,well three of the nerve block were done while I was I twilight zone. I also did physical therapy and chiropractic therapy.  

Before migraines and headaches my mom would say that I was a healthy child. But for me that include Earache and Severs disease. I had really had earache from as long as I can remember till about 12 years old. I had tube implanted seven different times and I had my tonsils and adenoids remove at the age of five.  Because of my earaches I was left with deafness in both ears. To me this has no effect on me because I do not know any different and i am really good lip reader. Sever disease is where the platelets in your feet become inflamed and put pressure on the bones and makes it painful to walk or even wiggle your toes. I got this because I was over dancing on pointe in ballet. The treatment was to stop dancing on that foot. The doctor never said I could dance on the other on and so I did but that would bit me in the butt because I would get it I the other foot and have to use a wheelchair for walking more the twenty steps. I was told that if I didn't do as I was told it could result in fracturing of the bones.  Which would been a cast and the whole nine yards. 

These are just my medical problems that I remember I was born at 27 week. Which means I was 13 weeks early and that was a struggle all it own. So I have always had a struggle in my life and every age. But the medical struggles were not the only kind I had I also have learning disabilities.

Since I was born early I was developmentally delay with everything but mainly my speech and walking. I did not speck till I was four years old and truth be told my family can't shut me up now. So once I started school I would be pulled for speech lesson. I also had to work hard to write and use a pencil. After a few years in school I was diagnosed with ADHD, hearing impairment, reading disability. I would out grow the ADHD.  I was always treated differently I felt thought I did need the help. I just wish I was seen as different but not less myteachers manly in elementary and now some in college. 

To this day I struggle with a reading disorder, hearing impairment, dyslexia, migraines (yes I am pain free but the stim is like a bandage it just covers up the wound)and I also pass out for unknown reason. Because the doctor do not know why I am passing out I have a heart monitor implant in my chest to monitor my heart rate. I also struggle with short term memory like if my mom asked me to do something if it not written down I will not remember. I also will think of a word and go to say it and it come out different than what I planned to say. An example would be for dishwasher it may come out as dryer. I know what each one is but my brain mixes them up.

Yes all of these things suck and my life different from your average Joe or Jane but the truth is I wouldn't have it any other way. My life is beautiful and I learn so many thing that not your everyday 20 year old has learned or seen. I am strong, I am a fighter. I stand up for things I believe in and more importantly I do not want to disrespected other beliefs. I help when I can. I want to make the world a better place. I want to dream big and if I miss I know I land in the stars. For me Failure is not an option. 

Love this Quote!

Scars...

We all have one whether it visible or not.

"There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with." ~ Harry Crews

I don't remember my first cut of the skin that would leave a scar or what it like to live without. I know that my skin is a beautiful olive/tan color and the scars are not faint. The scars I have are a deep brown or purplish and sometime white. I was a preemie, born as about 27 weeks weighing about 3 pounds 2 ounces and was 16 inches long. A beautiful baby just so excited to come into this crazy world, I couldn't wait the whole 40 weeks. I notice that went I save my had last year about this time I had scars from where the hospital put IVs in my head. Now at 20 I have close to 40 scars and all have a story that comes with them. but those are just the physical ones that everyone can see. The death of my Great-Grandparents and Great Uncle have left a heavy scar on my heart. Anytime I see: Tom and Jerry, Loony Tunes, Peaches, Toast or coffee, these are the thing that remind me how lucky I was to be raised with the help of grandparent and would not trade it for the world. But reminded me of a scar and in most cases a "good" scar that I have on my heart for them.

So if you know me or have ever stayed with me for a day you know that I now very graceful. This is something that came with my migraines. I fall and slip and that alone is the cause of two 2-3 inches scars on my shin from shaving. Yes shaving, they are not beautiful and are the 2 scar that people ask how and in the world this happen. I also have some scars that are jumping over the couch and scratching my thigh from a staple. And from burning myself when getting thing out of the oven.

Now the medical scars I have 10 of them and all were in a step to getting better. I have one on my lower hip, mid lower back, three in the middle of my back,  two on my neck and  2 on the right side of my head. Now those two are not visible because of my hair. The last one is on my ankle from were I pass out on the side walk.

So the point this blog is to embrace your scars. My parent ask me anything they see my scars how are you going to explains those scars because most of them are visible. If I am in a swim suit there even more but the truth is you don't have to love my body. It not something your carry around every day. I do. And I love who I am. Where I am at in life. Who I have become. I love my scars. To me it like carrying a scrapbook around where I go. It a piece of home. A piece of the road something less traveled upon. The scars I have remind me that I have fallen and have gotten back up and kept on moving forward.

This was me when I was born and My mom. 

So not a Daddy's Girl...lol When I was little I would fall asleep on me like this

My Dad and I now. Still a Daddy's Girl :)

Left or Right!?

No matter the road I take I know the destination will be amazing! As your reading this please don't feel sorry for me or in Texas some my say "bess your little heart." Dont feel bad or ask how do I handle this I know it has something to do with the man up stairs. So lets start with at story...I sure do love a story good or bad!

When I was on my family vacation to Washington D.C. in 2007 I got my first migraine and I remember my mom letting me sleep on a bench at The Arlington National cemetery. Rought day to say the least once returning home I try to return to normal my that was never something that would happen. So three months after that migriaine, I was still having them and my mom took me to a neurologist. The diagnose was Pseudotumor Cerebia. They gave me steroids and diamox (water removal pill). They also did a spinal tap to see what the pressure was measuring in my head.

Pseudotumor cerebri (PC)  literally means "false brain tumor." It is likely due to high pressure within the skull caused by the buildup or poor absorption of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF). The disorder is most common in women between the ages of 20 and 50. Symptoms of pseudotumor cerebri, which include headache, nausea, vomiting, and pulsating sounds within the head, closely mimic symptoms of large brain tumors. I had all of those symptoms. When I was being woken up my mom I would say to her to turn off the vacuum that was on my ears. I literally thought my head was going to explode and there was nothing anybody was going to do about it. This doctor who diagnosed me with OC was a least the 6th or 7th one. I have had 3 spinal taps and all of them where over 30 and normal in less then 10. I am very thankful tht there has been no lasting damage to mys eyes or brain. 

But as of September 18th I have been battling PC. And yes I am winning. The thing is there no cure, just treatment and remission. I believe it was caught very early because the only symptoms where headaches and migraines which felt better after laying flat for some time. I also had this rushing noise inside my head like a airplane was fixing to take off.  I am also thankful That I was in remission since September of 2008.  For right now I have choose to treat it with at water pill, Diamox. I NOT my favorite drug but it better then a spinal tap. I want to thank y'all for reading this post and know I appreciate your thoughts and prays. Please know I will be ok and this is not a set back just something to keep me ground and reminded me what really matters I this world!

Living Life! Feeling Free!

Life has been so busy with my school and work. I now drive to school two days a week and work three days a week. I really enjoy doing both add being able to come home to a home cooked meal with my family.

Chronic Migraine Awareness Fonder and Board Members came to my hometown of Houston Texas. It was wonderful to been them. We went to the mall to spread awareness and went ice skating. I also spoke it Advance Migraine Relief and Treatment Center seminar. I was not planning on and was so scary. I felt that I did a good job and I did enjoy sharing my story.

A Few people from CMA

Ice Skating with Cat the Fonder

I am feeling good and life is wonderful right now for me! I could not ask for anything more or less in life. I am also volunteering with Chronic Migraine Awareness and I am hoping to make a difference in this world and I believe this Non-profit Organization is the step in that direction.